Nowadays people believe that they should adopt a policy instead of being honest.
It is said that honesty is important but only in a particular situation, not always.
You need to act strategically to handle every situation because, what would happen if your honesty makes your situation too complicated, think of yourself man! You have to deal with your own needs and problems no one else is going to help you.
Everyone is facing their own problems and in fact wars are won with a strategy and a policy right?
People also think that honesty should be accepted as a lifestyle but they also talk about the corrupted society and blame people for being silent against it and say ‘’if honesty really is good then why doesn’t it change the society?’’
Some say that honesty is important in our life, but sometimes honesty makes a fool out of us and one should always decide when to be honest or use a different policy to save themselves first. Think of yourself and your interests first.
There is always a wiser bunch that says, “Sometimes we need to choose a different path, always being honest hurts us and others as well. Staying honest all the time doesn't help. At times you have to go off track because people exploit honest people and they end up in deep trouble. Being ‘too honest’ is not good, or being a good person does not help”
This wiser bunch also have stronger reasoning that says:
‘’We don’t need knives or guns to mortally wound those closest to us. Words cut like knives and it’s easy to bury your relationship with the verbal cuts of a “truthful” tongue. ‘Truth is honesty’ is often a veiled form of self-indulgence. When feelings build up, it’s frustrating to ‘sit’ on them. And, of course, it feels damn good to release them. That feel good sensation is a form of gratification. It’s like taking an emotional poop, which provides an instant release of pressure. But when we dump emotional turds on others, we are flushing our relationships down the toilet.’’
Who says being harsh, bitter and cold means being honest and true? Truth that destroys a home and also rescinds a personality isn’t a truth and certainly, it is not being honest. But there are always better and polite ways to stay honest and truthful as well. Politeness is an oil that lubricates the wheels of society and politeness does not always means being tricky or a cheat.
Today’s concepts of being honest, truthful and being polite, sweet and right are very confusing and are distorted.
It’s a sad fact that our education at home and in school doesn’t include teaching us how to manage our emotions and feelings. Since all relationships trigger negative feelings, this means most of us are mistreating the people we love most by lashing out and even verbally killing those we supposedly love in various overt and symbolic ways and it does not mean at all they are being honest and true to each other or being honest and true hurts.
We are educating ourselves out of the true meanings of honesty, truthfulness, politeness and kindness. And that has been happening since the last 3oo years when the so called educational revolution started with the beginning of the industrial age.
It’s time to unlearn and re-educate ourselves getting back towards the true essence of life. Einstein said “the world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it…’’ and stay silent or build a policy around it.
There are always better ways to react and respond. Better, politer sweeter even funnier ways to express genuine emotions and feelings. Funnier ways are considered to be the most difficult ones and you need to be extremely witty for that. This is why a lot of people pretend to dislike jokes and comedy.
Imagine someone invites you to do that activity. How do you respond?
If you say, “I hate that,” or “I don’t like that,” you may come across as too harsh and direct.
If someone invites you on a camping trip (but you dislike these trips), you might respond with:
''I don’t like going out, I hate that.
Or
“I think I’ll pass. I’m not really into outdoor activities.”
If some co-workers want to go to a new seafood restaurant for lunch (but you think seafood is gross), you could say: ‘’ I hate the idea, who eats seafood?’’ Or you can say “I’m actually not a big seafood fan. Any chance you want to go to a steakhouse instead?”
But there is a sick kind of satisfaction that most people derive when they dump their anger on somebody else, especially a loved one who has really hurt and angered them.
You need to re-evaluate the things that were actually lost. Do you still want them? Is it still attainable? Things might not seem to be a greater loss than your ego or self-respect that you might think you lost during a harsh exchange of words with someone.
If outright dumping and subtle paybacks aren't the answer, then what can be done with anger?
Contrary to what you may have heard that angry feelings must never ever be "expressed", expressed anger refers to various forms of acting out in which one vents, rants and raves. Expressing consists of releasing raw impulses and basically dumping feelings on the other person. The key point here is the distinction between expressing versus describing one's feelings. Describing involves taking an emotional distance, and using your intellect to devise a clear-headed description of what you're feeling and why. Describing is what you're after.
So please try keeping your temper to yourself, nobody wants it.
Don't fool yourself into believing that you cannot control what you say or do in the heat of anger. You can! You can control yourself when it comes to a boss or superior. You wouldn't think of telling off your boss because you know you'd lose your job!
This means that you can choose to control yourself in your personal relationships if you want to. The reason people don't control themselves in their closer relationships is because they don't think they have to. What I'm talking about here is making the choice to control yourself with those you love most, because you have to. If you don't, you won't lose your job, you'll lose your relationships.
It might be harder than you think to not mention what happened to you at all for some time, but give it a try. Enlist friends to keep you on track, or try putting a rubber band around your wrist and ‘pinging’ it just enough to cause you a sting each time you find yourself telling yourself letting those emotion burst and telling that story again. This is way to train the brain away from entrenched patterns.
Spying on others can also be addictive. If you can’t stop spying, you might need support. Tell a good friend, seek a support group for therapy or get an advice from an elder or expert. If you feel out of control, you might want to a counsellor for a round of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
Bitterness often is a perfect disguise for a fear of change or of failing or loosing. If you deal with the fear, you won’t need the bitterness anymore.
For example, if you are claiming you will never marry this is because you were experiencing difficult times between your parents’ marriage. Is it possible you are holding on to your bitterness about marriage when you could work on your confidence to fix things in your relationships with other, take advice from someone wise, read about solving that problem learn how to tackle the situation better and get on with your dreams.
Learn to let go and forgive – but only at your own pace. Forgiveness is a great psychological release – but only if you are ready and it’s real. Fake forgiveness can be a way of just denying how you feel, or even hold you back from processing emotions and situations.
And don’t forget to forgive yourself, too. This might be the hardest but most important part of moving on from bitterness.
Finding ways to re-frame what happened in ways that show yourself compassion can be a great release.
If you feel overwhelmed, again, don’t be afraid to seek support. Bitterness is a hard thing for anyone to get over, and sometimes the strongest thing you can do is admit you need help. You might want to try a round of compassion-focused therapy.
Get into the now moment by concerning yourself with current opportunities and goals that are about you and a positive future. One of the best techniques for staying centred is mindfulness. A tool used to constantly check in with your feelings, become conscious of the thoughts that are distracting you, and learn to notice the good things right in front of you.
Bitterness tends to fade in the face of excitement and joy – in other words, new and better experiences. Explore a long time interest, re-connect with others, and choose some new things to put into your life. Remember, either you enjoy what you possess and own or you experience its bitterness. It might be a relationship or may be those things that you own, but you need to own it first to feel different about it.
Bitterness is a powerful tide, and best intentions to do things like try new things and be mindful can soon be caught in its tug. The way around this is to not just make big goals, but also small goals every morning that keep you on the road away from bitterness.
A mood of embitterment can have us seeing life from a very narrow perspective indeed. Don’t be afraid to take expert advice from a great coach that can help you move forward in life. The truth is that bitterness can be quite the battle to move on from.
And sometimes the strongest tactic and easiest way forward is to accept help. If your friends and loved ones are great listeners with no agenda, perfect. But if you need an unbiased viewpoint and a place you don’t feel judged, again, try a support group or a counsellor and a mentor.
